how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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