I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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