if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I cut my penus on the lid.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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