So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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