That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
