i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
