I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
