she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
