if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
