I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
