Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
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Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
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Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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