You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
