my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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