Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
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btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
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I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize