she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you will always have a special place in my vag
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
