Your face is a jimmy john
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
