I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
