I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
