someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
