Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
