i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
