i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
