tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
