Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
