don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
