fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
