if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
