Just fell off a train. Bad.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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