I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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