This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
