I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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