Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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