....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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