cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
