i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
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We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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