Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
