The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
