dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
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Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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