Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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