At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
