Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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