New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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