I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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