I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
