it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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