Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
