I puked a lego.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
