I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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