4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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