I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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