it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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