Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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