Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
