I can text with my tongue
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I believe in your delicious
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
