new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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