I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
