meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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