i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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