You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
