Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
